Lesson 2 -- My Writing (Lengthy)

Grade: 50/50

a. 250 words in first person - Start with: "I saw..."

I saw a man driving dark blue car speeding down the residential street, not paying any attention to his surroundings. Out of nowhere a dog ran across the street; the dog was black with a large white patch on its side. The man in the dark blue car didn’t notice the dog running across the street and he hit it. Once he realized what happened, he slammed on his breaks. Once I saw what happened I screamed and ran over to check on the dog. I had never been in a situation like this before. I wasn’t sure if there was someone I should call, the police? I checked to see if the dog was breathing. I felt his chest still rising and falling with each breath that he took.

The man in the dark blue car took awhile to get out of the car. I wasn’t sure if he was just shocked or if he really didn’t care what just happened. I had hoped it was the former. But soon after I found out it was not, he didn’t care about the poor defenseless dog he had just hit.

While I was leaning over the dog trying to figure what exactly was wrong with him, I heard the man start to say something. At first I couldn’t understand him, but then I realized he was just telling me to drag the dog out of his way so he could just get to work. I don’t understand how someone could be so careless about an animal that he just hit. I will never understand. 

b. 250 words in second person - Start with: "You won't believe..."

You won’t believe what happened to you when you were a puppy. It was so many years ago. You were a stray running around the neighborhood when some woman in a little black Mazda Miata hit you.

I remember running over to you to make sure you were alright. I could tell you were still breathing just from looking at you; your chest was slowing rising and falling. When I looked at you lying there I felt an ache in my chest. I wanted so badly to take away the hurt that you were feeling.

The lady in the car that hit you felt awful. She immediately ran to her trunk and pulled out a blanket to wrap you up in. She told me she was going to take you to the vet and I could come along with you if I wanted. Once we arrived at the vet, we had to sign in, which felt like years. While holding holding you in my arms, you were trembling with fear and out of pain. Your whimpering made my heart break into a million pieces.

Once we finally got you into the exam I laid your tiny body on the table. The vet entered just a few second later. After a quick exam, he said two of your legs were broken and you had some cracked ribs. But overall, you were pretty lucky. It would take some surgery and a little physical therapy to get you walking. I told the vet that I would take you home and care for you. Here you are today; happy, healthy, and walking.

c. 250 words in third person - Start with: "The dog..."

The dog was wandering around the neighborhood trying to find something on the ground that he could eat. His owners left him in the neighborhood the day before that. They pulled up in front of a house, took off his collar and left him.

While walking around he saw something across the street that looked like food. So he ran toward it and the next thing he felt was intense pain from being hit by a car. A woman that was gardening outside her house ran over to the dog. She could not believe what she had seen. She tried to figure out if he was still breathing. She saw the dog’s chest was still moving, which was a good sign. She could hear the dog whimper when she tried to move him. Unsure of what to do, she called the police.

The dispatch lady on the line told her to wrap the dog up in a towel and take him to the nearest animal hospital. Luckily the man that just hit the dog was still there. She ran back into her house to grab a couple towels. They wrapper the dog up and put him in the man’s car. Once they made it to the animal hospital they were helped immediately. After the vet checked out the dog he told them the dog wasn’t going make it. He had some broken ribs and his legs were broken, amongst many other things. The vet gave them an option; surgery or putting him down.

The woman chose surgery; she wanted to give the dog a chance. She felt like he was a fighter, and the dog proved her right. He made a full recovery, after some hard work. His name is Lucky.

Teacher comments:
Very nice work on these! Usually in second person the author does it like "You won't believe what I saw today..." but I really like how you actually wrote it toward the dog, like you would write a friend. Good work!  Your first person is correct. The last one feels far away (although you did it correctly!), so you can see why usually in today's writing we use third person limited or first person. Good descriptions too. ;)

Thanks for the idea on the second person, Holly!

Kaitlin

3 comments on "Lesson 2 -- My Writing (Lengthy)"

Holly wrote: February 2, 2010 at 1:02 PM

LOVE these stories! Especially the second person, I really got sucked into that one! Glad I could help :)


Kellie wrote: February 2, 2010 at 10:07 PM

Aw, awesome! I love these. And I love doing well on work :)


Ashley wrote: February 3, 2010 at 7:27 AM

This tugs at my heart, lady! Beautiful words. :)


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