A friend/coworker of mine is about to tell our human resources manager and boss that she's pregnant. I'm very happy for her, but I'm not looking forward to the comments I'll be getting once more people find out about it.
This is the second baby she's had while working here. After her, there was another girl who had a baby. Then another girl had a baby. I am now the only younger married person at our work who hasn't had a baby or isn't pregnant.
During all three pregnancies I was asked a lot of questions and received tons of comments about when I'd be having one or trying for one.
"Now it's your turn!" "When are you going to have a baby?" You name it, they probably asked me. I'm not looking forward to it this time around, since we're actually trying.
I've been thinking about this for a few weeks. When these people start asking me questions or making comments how do I want to answer? Snarky? Vauge? Completely ignore them? Tell them it's none of their concern? Tell them that's rude to ask/say since they don't know my situation? (Just thought of that one this weekend.) I haven't decided yet. I spoke with Hubs about this and obviously he thinks I'm silly, but I can't help it.
I'm sure my reaction to any question will depend on the mood (or time of the month) I'm in. I'm really leaning towards snarky, because then maybe they won't bug me again.
I'm sure some of you have been in this situation. What did you do?
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17 comments on "Her Secrets Out"
I would love to say that I would counter with a completely inappropriate question about their sex life, but unfortunately I haven't gotten that gutsy! But if you are then I say go for it!
That's tough, because people think they're being cute and funny, not cutting you to the quick. When it happened to me if it was someone I only knew in passing I just played along with the conversation, but if it was someone I knew well enough, I gave them a basic outline of my story and that took care of it.
Being all bitchy and snarky about it sounds kinda fun though...;)
when i was younger i didn't want kids so it was easy to say, 'i'm just too young right now' but now that i'm older,I just say NEVER. I don't care to ever tell people I barely know or just work with that I want kids but can't have them. it's none of their business anyway.
I tend to go as vague as possible -- "Oh, we'll see," "Maybe in a while," "I don't know when." Husband is a bit more blunt and has been known to affectionately tell his sisters to f*** off and mind their own business :P
At this point I tell him how long we've been trying and what hasn't worked. That tends to shut them up and become very awkward around me... I should learn that whole think before speak thing...
I've theorized that people have standard questions they ask at certain times. When you're engaged, they ask if you've set a date. If you're married, they ask about kids. If you're pregnant, they ask how you're feeling. If you have a baby, they ask if you're getting enough sleep. I honestly chalk all of this up to a sort of niceness-inspired boredom - b/c, really, the questions are undeniably boring (as is answering them).
I would probably just say something like, "Eh, well, we're just letting it happen when it happens." I really think people mean well by asking and just don't think about the implications of being so nosy.
We had a whole thread going about this on twitter the other day! Some of the best come-backs were:
No idea but we're having LOTS of sex!
I'm waiting to see how yours come out first.
Kids are too expensive.
And my personal standard response is "when God chooses to bless us", said in a very pious tone. Anyone who really knows us is baffled into silence and anyone who doesn't just leaves it at that.
I haven't been in the pregnancy situation, but people are constantly asking me if my boyfriend and I are going to get married. A simple "I don't know" always works for me. It's not rude, it's an answer, and it usually shuts them up.
I tend to lean more along the lines of what BookishPenguin said. I think we've all been guilty of asking those stupid quesitons (especially before realizing we were infertile!), so I chalk it up to them just wanting to make conversation/be nice. I have always been very open about our struggle, so it was easies for me to just say something like, "I hope soon, but it doesn't seem to be as easy for us as it is for a lot of people." That will pretty much shut them up.
I have a hard time being overly snarky with things like that because I vividly remember asking the stupid questions. That said, if it's your personality and you can pull it off without being the bitchy infertile (I totally couldn't...I'm not witty enough!), it might make you feel better to make light of it or be a bit snarky.
Either way, best of luck. I'm sure it's going to be tough to have to hear the excitement and chatter over a baby. Let's just hope you join them soon!!
That question is a tough one. It usually depends on the person who is asking as to how I respond. If I like the person, I tend to be a lot nicer. But if I don't like the person, my response is usually snarky. Luckily I don't get that question too often anymore, because most people know our situation.
Good luck. I know however you choose to handle it, you'll do just fine.
Tell them you're being considered for a reality show, so you're trying to save pregnancy for filming because it will add "drama".
When we were TTC and it was taking a while, I was completely blunt with people because I do think it's rude of people to make comments like that, not knowing a person's situation. I'd just say, "We miscarried our first, and have been trying for x amount of months."
That usually shut the person right up.
haha, Slackie O. posted the ones I've used: "You know what they say, practice makes perfect" or "When God blesses us" or "Dunno, we are practicing though". Now, since we've been trying for a while, I'm just blunt and say "well we've been trying for a couple yrs, so I dunno" Ya, it can be annoying. Just pick a response that suits your comfort level.
I know its annoying to you, but people aren't trying to be offensive. They just really are excited about YOU having a baby someday. Try and see it as a compliment, that they are looking forward to sharing in joy with you!
I would say "Hopefully soon!" Thats honest without providing too much info.
At this point I give them the "we're getting ready for IVF" answer but before we'd been TTC very long (or publicly) I usually just said eventually ;-)
I'm always a fan of the snarky. Shocking I know.
The latest snarky one is, we'll have kids when people tell us that it improves their marriage and finances. Hah!
I'm one of three married women (weirdly, both are sil) in our church who does not have children. I swear, every Sunday someone asks me when it's going to be one of us having a baby shower. My response is that I don't know what my bil/sil do in the privacy of their own home, but my vagina doesn't work. Saying vagina in church tends to make people uncomfortable and shuts them the hell up.
I found your blog today and I'm loving it. You're definitely a must read. :)
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